As a society, I feel like often times we look around and think, "When did everyone become a royal prick?" People can be such a**holes! And yet interestingly enough, there have been studies that suggest that people who are mean/condescending/patronizing are actually perceived as more intelligent. Wow. But to be honest, I think it's because in social circumstances we often forget to reward good behavior. If someone does something nice for us, we hardly even notice or even say anything. So why would anyone want to be nice if they are getting the same treatment as jerks? Especially in romantic situations. I swear, I have heard a billion experiences ranging from fairy tale like stories to horror creepy stalker people. And you know what? In the majority of these cases I only notice one thing between the two: the attractiveness of the person. Seriously. Just listen- A girl drops a notebook on the ground. A nice man picks it up. If he looks like a model, that girl will proceed to tell every other girl on the known planet about the experience and actually dedicate time to look for that man again. And if she sees him, she will get butterflies and think about Taylor Swift songs. If that man, however, happens to look like he was beaten with the ugly stick, she will probably get chills thinking she will soon be in the back of this man's car tied and duct taped and will tell a few people about the awkward encounter. I noticed one such experience the other day. I was in line for an event and as all of us were being pushed through we had the opportunity to sit for a while. To my right there was a boy (about 21 years old-ish) and to his right was another girl (about the same age). Now it was clear that they didn't know each other. Well she bumped him and apologized and they got to talking. She was complaining about obligations that she had that day and how horrific it was going to be. Now this boy, clearly smitten by her, started relating to her about his life and gave her what I thought was really good insight on how to make her life easier. I imagine if he had been talking to me I would have been really appreciative to him and thanked him. Even if it was completely useless I would have at least thrown out a "thank you". Then this girl's name was called and as she was getting up the boy said, "Hey, I hope it works out for you. Have a great day!" and she returned with a, "Mmhmm". What a sad experience. And to make matters worse, after the boy was called and left, an employee who had happen to overhear started ridiculing him in front of everyone else. I couldn't believe it. This boy got completely dejected all for just trying to be a good person. So seriously, even if you have zero interest in a conversation or a person, if someone does something nice for you, give them a smile and a gracious complement. There are enough douche bags in this P.O.S. world. 

Almost a month. Shit. But let's not chalk it up to blissful peace as the reason why. It never rains it pours as the saying goes. Well it's been freaking monsoon season up in here...No good deed goes unpunished. Seriously! The worst part of trying to improve oneself is the unending beat down that life gives you. And even when you fall down, it just keeps going until you learn good and well that it will never stop until you are miserable and broken. To anyone out there feeling the same way, I'm sorry. It is so discouraging to feel everything pulling you back as you try to move forward. But even then, we keep moving forward...hopefully...and if we do, the resistance becomes increasing. When I accomplish something that I had to push through and fight with all my might to get to, I am so proud of myself and think, "There is hope for a damned soul such as I" It feels almost immediately after that there is a force of nature that comes and destroys that confidence and laughs in my face. If Karma exists, it is extremely biased and changes its mind more than a politician. On a separate note, I just want to say that this blog has really made me feel better. In my mind, I imagine maybe one or two people who take solace in my writing and feel like there is someone who relates to them and makes them better. Perhaps the only viewers of this page just come for a good laugh at the stupid person. But suffice it to say, I don't care. I will keep imagining the way I want to. Because I would like to think that I am not so crazy as to be the last of my species. So if you do enjoy reading. I apologize for my negligence and I promise I will write more. May your day be better than mine.

Two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes it's more like three, but who's counting? I am. Today is a step back day. Or at least it very well could be. Addiction is a bitch. I named this blog A Mortal's Poison because if I were actually a proficient writer, it would be the name of my book and it would be all about the poisons in human existence. There is something that haunts each and every one of us. For me, it's multiple somethings. Although I have recovered from most of them, there are days that are harder than others. I believe there is a huge misconception about addictions. There is no difference between them. Some kill you faster, but addiction does what it always will: destroy you. And it doesn't even matter if you realize it or not. It will still haunt you. I am finally starting to get my life together and I can still feel that invisible pull. It will always be there. And no matter what God I worship, what science tells me, what drugs try to help, it will never ever ever ever ever ever go away. So today I am here writing because if I write, the pull feels a little weaker. I wasn't even planning on writing today either. Damn it. I was having such a good week, too. 

I think the greatest tragedy in life is not being able to say a proper goodbye. And not just to people, but to a place, a feeling, an era. Life is like a series of doors and rooms. At any given point we exist in a room with other people. We learn, we grow, and sooner or later something requires us to leave that room. And later in life you can go back to that room with the same people or the same feelings, but once a room has been vacated that moment in life is lost forever never to be recreated. And if we didn't take the time to say what we needed to when the moment was right it becomes forever haunting. So don't forget to say goodbye to moments in your life that you will remember forever. The end.

Remember being a bright eyed little kid thinking about how great it would be to grow up? I had always imagined my life down to the very simplest of details: where I would live, who I would marry, how many kids, what I would do, and all the friends I would have. What a waste. My life isn't bad now, but it is absolutely nothing like I had ever pictured it. Part of this is my own fault, but mostly it's because of the disillusion we all come to know so well with age. Turns out, most of the people in my life didn't care for me as I did for them. I no longer speak or see the people who used to mean so much to me. And that thought is depressing. I mean the simple answer would be to just reach out to them and see how they are. With things like Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook I should be really close to them, right? Just because we witness events in people's lives doesn't mean we are a part of them. I have never felt more distant from loved ones than when seeing news feed posts of friends and family. In many ways it's worse, because not only are you not close anymore, you literally watch them move on from you. Now I'm not so naive as to think that "social media" lives are anything even remotely accurate because we always exaggerate the good and sweep the bad under the rug. (Yet another course objective in Never let them see you bleed 101.) But still! Life has a way of violently murdering the dreamer out of you, at least for me it has. What I'm really trying to say is: Why do we invest so much time and energy in relationships just to let it go and never bother with it again? Was I that horrible of a friend? Is your life better without me? Or have we all just given up on having more than one or two meaningful relationships? The most famous answer I've heard is, "Well, I just don't have time anymore," but let's be honest shall we? If something matters enough to you, then you will make time for it. If you don't have time for it that means there are 24 hours and 365 days worth of things that matter to you more than me. And that is what hurts the most.

Today, let's get personal. I feel sane enough today that I can talk about this and convey the message I want to without sounding completely off my rocker. I have an insanely intense moral compass. Like I feel like there is an invisible driving force that pushes me to be nice, polite, and well...moral. And yet, most of the time, I feel there is absolutely no emotion inside me. For about 9 years of my life, I did not cry. I should have but I didn't. In that 9 years, I lost a close relative, almost died twice, eventually had every friend I'd ever had leave me, and nothing! What the hell, right? Key moments in my life that have redefined and shaped me, and I felt nothing. Not sad, remorseful, anything. Why? what is wrong with me? I swear if I didn't have such a strong moral compass in my life, I would think I was a sociopath. Not kidding. A few years ago, I started watching sad movies to practice crying. Like it took me about 10 movies before I could shed a tear. And now I am proficient enough that anytime I watch a sad movie or see something sad happen to someone, I cry. It's like coughing when there is a tickle in my throat or laughing when you hear something funny. But they don't mean anything. And that makes me feel horrible. I am capable of emotion, just not when I should. I get mad when someone cuts me off in traffic, I get exhausted when I exercise, I feel happiness when I do something I like. But in a moment of importance...when it really freaking matters, or even when I don't feel like caring, it's like turning off a switch and BAM! I no longer care. Even when I feel this emotion, I feel like I have to exaggerate my reaction to make myself and others believe it. I can be happy, sad, angry, worried, disgusted, but I have to over compensate with gestures, facial expressions, and voice patterns. So seriously, are there degrees of psychopathy? Because I feel like every day, little by little, I 'm climbing up that ladder. And I know I shouldn't feel this way. I should care right? But then we get into the nature vs. nurture debate and the research on that is so convoluted that there is no definitive answer. But suffice it to say, I think because of this lack of feelings, I try to excel in other parts of my life. If I can't care as much as others, I have to be smarter. I know a lot. I'm not vain enough or carry enough scientific evidence to say I'm a genius, but I am smarter than the average person and I learn and know things that you wouldn't think people would know. Also, I've learned that even despite having knowledge, it is easy to manipulate people and situations. If you knew me, you would probably think I am smarter and more emotionally stable than I really am. But really, I have exceptional social skills. I am both introverted and extroverted. I can be the quiet person who never says anything and I can be the leader of a group making sure everything is functioning. And because of this most people know me as the character I portray when they were around me. But I really don't know if anyone knows who I am, because I'm not sure if I know who I am...

Just re-read my first post/rant. Yikes! Sorry about the word vomit. I was so excited to start it came spewing out and it kinda just went everywhere. Okay, so I was thinking about current events and I felt like I had an epiphany. So many of us are aware of the political/sociological movement as of late. There are two I want to talk about.

The first is the transitioning of bathroom policy that allows transgenders or essentially anyone who "identifies" with any gender is allowed to use that designated bathroom. So let's look at this from a neutral perspective: On one hand, you have people who have made their choice in life and feel like they want to go into a bathroom with which they feel most comfortable. At least from what I know, being transgender or whatever else there is, they don't tend to be rapists (at least from what I know.) Then you have the other side who say this opens the door (pardon the pun) for rapists to have another targeting ground. It's fair to say when I go to the bathroom that I'm not checking out the next stall to see who is occupying it and what they are carrying *wink wink* and I would hope no one else is trying to see what I have either. However, the biggest upheaval I've seen so far about it is that people are up in arms that anyone would say transgenders are a bunch of perverts and rapists. There is a huge fallacy in this argument though! I don't think people are worried about transgendered people in bathrooms. I think that they are worried that rapists will just proclaim whatever gender identity necessary to target people. OK! I would hope we all agree (in all fairness) that one side is worried that rape will increase (however valid the argument) and the other is worried about personal rights and the freedom to do whatever the EF you want, right (however valid the argument)?

Okay, so the second is all the hoopla about Brigham Young University. So for those of you vague on the details, BYU has you sign an honor code before attending which includes not smoking, drinking, or the horizonal polka without a wedding license (a little more detailed that this but for simplicity lets just stick with this for now.) This is officially a legal and binding contract...let's keep this in mind for later. So what has happened is that when a person comes forward to informing a school about sexual assault, there is an investigation and if there is evidence that shows that the victim was involved in violations of said honor code than there a chance for disciplinary action. Now before you imagine shooting me or anyone else in the face for what I am about to say, please keep in mind neutrality and seeing things from BOTH SIDES! this does not meaning listening and waiting to just call someone an idiot at the end. This means for ten seconds just pretend you were the other side. Okay. When people hear "potential disciplinary action" they freak out because it is true that for most other campuses there is a clause that provides immunity for assault victims. So naturally when we hear a girl is suspended after coming to the school about being raped, it is an outrage! although we quickly gloss over the fact that she was on acid (I think that was the drug? Poop I haven't read the story in a week.) So let's think about the school's perspective. It is a religious school in which it prides itself on strict religious adherence. Whomever was assaulted when through a horribly traumatic experience that we would never wish on our worst enemy (hopefully.) This person did, however, sign a contract, which is a breach of contract and they have every legal right to protect their scholastic integrity. It is also important to mention that this school provides free therapy and also still has a lower rape level than most any other schools (which I believe directly correlates with religious values.) But let's be honest. It is pretty messed up to get sexually assaulted and then kicked out of school. But let's also be patient and understand that the school DOES NOT want to have their students suffer. It takes time for schools to change policy. Mormons are some of the nicest people I have ever met. They are trying. In my opinion, I do think that they think that students who are sexually assaulted should be immune from expulsion or suspension, because let's be honest: rape is about the worst thing that can happen to you and that is easily punishment enough (not that they deserved it!). I don't agree however that they should just walk away without any correction from the school because that's not fair to their rights. I think that victims of sexual assault who may have engaged in behavior deemed inappropriate should serve mandatory community service. There is a lot of research that suggests that doing service after traumatic events help sooth some of the awful side effects of rape. This way, the person is getting help to improve their well being and also they are sufficiently disciplined by the school. But I digress.

So looking at the big picture I would hope we all agree (in all fairness) that one side is worried that rape will increase (however valid the argument) and the other is worried about personal rights and the freedom to do whatever the EF you want, right (however valid the argument)?
However different the specifics are: THIS IS THE SAME ARGUMENT! and yet on one side conservatives are saying BYU does whatever they want and transgenders can't use bathrooms and with liberals it vice-versa! How ironic, right? BOOM! you had to read a small novel to get there, but doesn't that just seem ass-backwards to you?!? On both sides. I think it's time as human beings learn that while it is important to be passionate, we should never become so passionate that we can't be compassionate. *drops mic*

*slow clap for the meme above* But it's so damn cliche! Eff! Why is it 

My name is D.A. Crane. This is clearly a pseudonym. But damn it, that's the way its going to be. I just started this blog because simply put, I feel like I am slowly sinking into madness. Do you know how hard it is to be able to just say what you think? Really, I mean unfiltered, unadulterated honesty. Not stupid random thoughts, but meaningful discussion (to me at least.) We always say, "I'm always honest" but really? really?!?!? From the moment I learned to speak it seems like the true lesson in everything I did is, "Pull your punches" and "Never let them see you bleed." It is this philosophy that made me feel so passive aggressive. So I created this blog because I want to be able to do that: create an environment so I can say exactly what I want and you get to realize how serious I was when I mentioned the madness thing. Let's do this!