Today, let's get personal. I feel sane enough today that I can talk about this and convey the message I want to without sounding completely off my rocker. I have an insanely intense moral compass. Like I feel like there is an invisible driving force that pushes me to be nice, polite, and well...moral. And yet, most of the time, I feel there is absolutely no emotion inside me. For about 9 years of my life, I did not cry. I should have but I didn't. In that 9 years, I lost a close relative, almost died twice, eventually had every friend I'd ever had leave me, and nothing! What the hell, right? Key moments in my life that have redefined and shaped me, and I felt nothing. Not sad, remorseful, anything. Why? what is wrong with me? I swear if I didn't have such a strong moral compass in my life, I would think I was a sociopath. Not kidding. A few years ago, I started watching sad movies to practice crying. Like it took me about 10 movies before I could shed a tear. And now I am proficient enough that anytime I watch a sad movie or see something sad happen to someone, I cry. It's like coughing when there is a tickle in my throat or laughing when you hear something funny. But they don't mean anything. And that makes me feel horrible. I am capable of emotion, just not when I should. I get mad when someone cuts me off in traffic, I get exhausted when I exercise, I feel happiness when I do something I like. But in a moment of importance...when it really freaking matters, or even when I don't feel like caring, it's like turning off a switch and BAM! I no longer care. Even when I feel this emotion, I feel like I have to exaggerate my reaction to make myself and others believe it. I can be happy, sad, angry, worried, disgusted, but I have to over compensate with gestures, facial expressions, and voice patterns. So seriously, are there degrees of psychopathy? Because I feel like every day, little by little, I 'm climbing up that ladder. And I know I shouldn't feel this way. I should care right? But then we get into the nature vs. nurture debate and the research on that is so convoluted that there is no definitive answer. But suffice it to say, I think because of this lack of feelings, I try to excel in other parts of my life. If I can't care as much as others, I have to be smarter. I know a lot. I'm not vain enough or carry enough scientific evidence to say I'm a genius, but I am smarter than the average person and I learn and know things that you wouldn't think people would know. Also, I've learned that even despite having knowledge, it is easy to manipulate people and situations. If you knew me, you would probably think I am smarter and more emotionally stable than I really am. But really, I have exceptional social skills. I am both introverted and extroverted. I can be the quiet person who never says anything and I can be the leader of a group making sure everything is functioning. And because of this most people know me as the character I portray when they were around me. But I really don't know if anyone knows who I am, because I'm not sure if I know who I am...
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What I've always wanted to say
AuthorD.A. Crane. |